Funny Status Messages

   At my age, safe sex means only sleeping with women who know CPR.

   I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

   One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.

   Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.

   Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...