Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Regardless of what my mom says, I'm pretty sure I would win a fight against a paper bag.

   Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it's larger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.

   Congrats to Canada for winning Gold in hockey....but Nickleback and Justin Beiber and no Rush at the Closing Ceremonies?....I just lost all respect!

   If the world is gonna end, I've got to start spending money faster. Anyone up for a party?

   I was thinking....I bet airfare to Egypt is crazy cheap right about now. I've never seen the pyramids, are they still standing?? Oh never mind, they got no internet, I'M NOT GOING!!!

   The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?

   Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late.

   whenever i'm bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!

   Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

   I wonder what it is that I did to get reincarnated as me.

   Wondering if I buy those "Her Pleasure" condoms and turn them inside out if I will get all the pleasure instead of her.

   As I said before, I never repeat myself.

   If you do not like the way I solve things, then don't create a problem for me.

   I accept exceptions except when accepting them would be unacceptable because I'm exceptional.

   Jeremy Meeks the hot convict set to get a $100,000 per month modelling contract. While with my college degree, I'm expected to earn in a year at the PEAK of my future career. I love how our society glorifies violent criminals when honest, hard-working peo

   Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”

   I can't get the cork off my dinner.

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?