Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.

   Japan has built humanoid robots to do construction work. The robots are so human like that they have three reports of sexual harassment.

   Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.

   KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?

   Just once, I'd like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say, "ARE YOU SHlT'N ME?!"

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........

   "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there

   my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.

   Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.

   Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?

   I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.

   30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.

   Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.