Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.

   Before you send me an invite to your event, please familiarise yourself with my diva demands.

   You can burn calories by having sex! Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   A good drinking game; watch Wheel of Fortune and do a shot for every time they applause.

   We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.

   If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.

   That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.

   I was good at math, until they decided to start mixing in the alphabet too.

   If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed by an old Jewish lady. Especially when paying for something.

   I'm beginning to have serious doubts that anyone ever called Steve Miller "the space cowboy."

   I've done more today than I've done in 4 years.

   I have planned to be very spontaneous today

   Sheesh, The Heat hasn't been this bad since the NBA finals.

   Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort...

   Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%

   the longest yard is that space between me and the nacho dip