Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order. 
Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"
The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.
God created the world in 6 days but took 9 months to create me, so clearly I’m a big deal.
Kaepernick keeps taking a knee based on a lie...Michael Brown never had his hands up!
Why are all the good open-minded liberals moving to Canada? What's wrong with Mexico? If we look at the map, it appears Mexico is about the same distance from the U.S. as Canada. So what's up?
Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.
Donald Trump says he's only taking $1.00 a year as President. We could have had Hillary for $.77
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Why don't keyboards have a ".com" key on them now? Come on nerds!
I wonder if China was clever enough to make the Mongolians pay for their wall?
I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.
I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it.
Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay
If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.
My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.
I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone.... 