Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't believe how divided we've become over an election. It's not like it's the color of a dress or something.

   News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.

   I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.

   Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

   "So!..where should we store 2,750 tons of high explosive for years on end?" "Just use that warehouse next to the firework factory, should be ok!"

   Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

   The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.

   Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

   Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?

   All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   "If I get off , It will be on your face" - United passenger

   Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?