Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves automatic doors. It makes him feel like a Jedi.

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   snuck his daughter's phone and changed his contact info to Batman. Now it's a little more exciting when she gets a text like 'get ready. picking you up in 5 mins.

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only OK if I'm actually taking a shower.

   I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   Since you clearly don't know the difference between Prince Charming and The Big Bad Wolf, I'm soo revoking your Disney Princess Fan Club Membership.

   What do Hurricane Earl and a redneck divorce have in common? Somebody is gonna lose a trailer.

   Whenever I get one of those muffled, through-the-purse, four-minute-long voicemail messages where the person thought they hung up but really didn't, I always listen to the entire thing. People do some funny sh*t when they think no one is listening.

   I vote for a 3 day weekend and a 4 day work week.

   Funny how there was no mention of Harvey Weinstein on Kimmy Kimmel last night

   If you believe in open borders ..Why is your fence so high .

   "I'm afraid to fly"...flies all over the world and racks up a ton of frequent flier miles lol

   .... The Feminist movement maintains that "All Men are Pigs" and that "Women are Equal to Men"

   My favorite condiment is sarcasm, I put it on everything.

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   Scientists remain baffled as to why the people on the internet really like pictures of cats and cats doing things.

   Think before you speak, and do not speak all that you think.

   I googled "what women want" and my computer crashed......

   If you pay a 55-year-old chain-smoking divorcee named Babs to sit nearby and drink beer, Wii Bowling gets a lot more realistic.