Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Scotland's in the middle of a couple's breakup and trying to figure out who they're still supposed to be friends with.

   I really don't think it's right to support hate, violence and murder just because it suits your agenda.

   Assuming one is against the police when they're against police brutality is like assuming one is anti-parent when they're against child abuse.

   Skip the next 20 pages, nothing worth stealing.

   For some reason the "Samsung Galaxy Note 7" has become the preferred phone of terrorists.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   People that get, “the most votes in history” don’t raid their opponent’s homes. But election stealers do.