Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   When I first heard of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' I initially thought it was supposed to be a Star Trek show about the Klingon rivals...

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   I keep staring into the sky and I still cannot figure out which cloud has all my data.

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   Day 4 without net neutrality: the kids found a half eaten raccoon we can eat. Grandma is wandering the streets looking for Candy Crush lives. We’re burning furniture to stay warm.

   I take my irresponsibilities seriously.

   "It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   Thank you student loans for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

   I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.

   tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.

   You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

   Does anyone else ever wonder why the game uno doesn’t have the rest of the cards in Spanish?

   I hate spelling errors. . You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

   Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.