Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkward moment when you want to buy something, check the price and sadly, leave it there.

   thinking maybe Doritos can bring back my love life like it did for Grandpa...

   I'm home alone on a Saturday watching a show about flying planes in Alaska. Can't I just meet a nice girl on craigslist that will come over and kill me?

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. The least you can do is act like it.

   A smart man just marries the right woman, even if it does take him years to find her.

   Missing wife and dog. Reward for dog.

   I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working

   I'm the type of boy who can set the kitchen on fire by just getting a bowl of cereal.

   Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don't ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.”

   Why don't more hunters set up their stands at the deer crossing signs.

   I am actually looking forward to the rapture....To all the women who told me "I wouldn't sleep with you unless you were the last man on earth" Look out ladies here I come!

   Its gotta suck to be a band like Heart and have your hit songs be on commercials like Swiffer dust and mop

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   Good Morning America challenged everyone to remove any article of clothing they were wearing that wasn't made in America. I was shocked by the results, but not as shocked as the people standing around me in Best Buy.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."

   Harry Potter's movie reinforces one stereotype. That an army of evil is still surprisingly inept at killing the main character

   IMAGINE if Facebook, Twitter, and msn all broke at the same time. We might have to actually get lives

   Love is like your shadow...the more steps you make towards it the further it moves away from you...but yet it follows you around your whole life.

   Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.

   CONSEQUENCES OF TODAY'S MODERN LIFE STYLES: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids!