Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so old, I remember when being a socialist made you a Nazi or a Communist

   Dearly beloved God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

   If the POS dont represent islam, then the POS doesnt represent gun owners either dumba$$

   ..... OK .... Listen up boys and girls ..... If Hillary Clinton can claim to not remember how to identify a classified document ...... How can she claim to have never sent or received one? ..... Any Plausible Answers?

   For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!!

   How can folks find time to protest and work a job too? Oh, that's right. Welfare.

   Covering a beard with a face mask looks like a lady’s underwear commercial from 1972

   I just took the garbage out. In 3D.

   before the letters FDNY became a fashion statement on hats, it was worn on the back of brave dudes with mustaches, NEVER FORGET

   the UFOs are trying to look like stars...i am not fooled.

   It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   Just watched 'Pan Am" ….. Now there's an example where the union seniority killed the industry, all those lovely stewardesses are now old flight attendants

   Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex.

   Karaoke is always a great idea before the mic is placed in your hand

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

   Its friday everybody! Maybe I should make a song about it.......u know, just to get the word out

   Dear Humans, We have called off the apocalypse after realizing that there are no brains left. Sincerely, Zombies.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.