Funny Status Messages

   Met a lady yesterday...It was love at first sight...Then I took a second look !!

   Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

   The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast. . .

   That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler's speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.

   My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I'll just leave it there. I'm not hiding who I am anymore.

   Not sure of what I fear more, getting the stomach flu, or watching another mud smearing political commercial. Funny how both those things involve nausea and vomiting.

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

   Tonight seems like the perfect night to stay home, pop up some popcorn, veg in front of the TV and watch Ferguson burn to the ground.

   Lets not get carried away it's not like McDonalds shutdown

   ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again

   Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home. *Boy throws bag out the window* Teacher: Who threw that? Boy: Me, I`m going home

   There is always that one person whose friend request you regret ever accepting.

   You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.

   I may look calm but in my head I've killed you 3 times

   Dear friends, I could make a chemistry joke... but all the good ones argon.

   Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.

   Dear Me, I just wanted to remind you that it's okay to say "No" once in awhile. I'll let you in on a little secret-the world will go on! Love, Me

   Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?

   on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.