Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   If you had a donkey and it ate a roosters feet and got sick, would you call the vet and say your ass doesn't feel good because there is two feet of c0ck in it?

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.

   I hate to admit it, but I've got a serious drinking problem. I don't have any more money to buy liquor.

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   KIDS trust me when I say this: you are NOT missing out on anything if you were to take a nap.

   I really think you should change your mind. The one you have now SUCKS!

   Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up.

   You;re so annoying you should have a SLAP named after you.

   I just f*cked a girl that stutters. It was great. I finished before she could say "NO!"

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   Just spilled coffee on my crotch. Now I have a hot rod.

   I don't think of Canada as a different country, I think of it more like, America's Hat, because they've always got us covered. Same goes for Mexico, I think of them as Americas Legs, because without them, none of the labor would get done.

   I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.