Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, why is this box of chocolates yelling at me?

   Girls during Halloween have Definitely made new meaning to Trick. Or Treat...

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   Farts are always funny, except the wet ones, those are only funny when it happens to someone else.

   My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude, and that's not my problem.

   Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours.

   Sometimes, I'll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it'd be cool if you moved out Amy."

   They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   When women ask for your opinion what they really want to hear is their opinion, but in a deeper voice.

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.