Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

   I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.

   I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.

   It's no longer 5:00 somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere. Drink whenever the hell you want.

   Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

   I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

   I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

   If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

   Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

   therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

   People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

   I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

   Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?