Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How To Satisfy Fast Food Cravings: 1) Grab a handful of almonds. 2) Step off the building.

   Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.

   Me asking someone out on a date is a lot like them wanting a Coke and I ask "Is Pepsi okay?"

   Plan a romantic evening but instead of rose petals sprinkle a path of grated cheese to the bedroom.

   There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.

   Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

   All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.

   She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.

   Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?

   If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?

   I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.

   In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

   I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot

   Tall people know what's up.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

   Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.

   I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you piece of crap!"