Funny Status Messages
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Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth. 
Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing it a Taylor Swift song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.
Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I'm starting to think Trump vs Hillary is because someone went back in time and stepped on a butterfly, and know where living in a future that was never meant to be
Heard those ruthless and heartless thieves forced Kim K to put her clothes on first before robbing her.
Someone needs to ask Hillary and Donald what they are planing to do about this growing and serious Clown Crisis?
Can we get judge Judy to moderate the next debate?
Uber driver explaining he's never been able to hold a regular job as he merges on to the freeway at 80 mph while playing the dashboard drums.
One of my fave discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I don't know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
When you volunteer at a soup kitchen, apparently it’s “inappropriate” to put out a tip jar.
I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.
Our family rule is that if the kid's costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween. 