Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

   Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

   If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!

   This is the first time in history when we can save the Human Race by lying in front of the TV doing nothing. Let's not screw this up.

   Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line

   Roses are red, April is grey, I hope we can leave our houses by may.

   Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three.

   Somewhere out there, is an English teacher waiting 4 school to reopen so that she can give students an essay topic how I spend my lockdown

   Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

   I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

   Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

   I'm not afraid to admit it. It's time like these that I like go to my "special place", and caress my emotional support firearms.

   I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

   Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.

   I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!