Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

   I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   The dating pool definitely has pee in it

   One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.

   My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings

   12 days to Valentine... ...wives have become more polite than customer care..

   I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...

   Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

   Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.