Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣

   I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in

   I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.

   Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.

   On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...

   Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!

   Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

   "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds

   October surprise. . . indeed.

   Election 2016. The real American Horror Story.....

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   If you can't identify the 80s movie by the opening song's electric keyboard, we probably can't be friends.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   I only enjoy making friends in non election years.

   This year, they should give out Xanax with the 'I voted' sticker.