Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found the first honest psychic hotline that told me I would soon regret giving them my credit card number.

   Don't you hate the uncomfortable feeling when you have a really bad cold and one nostril is stuffed up to no avail and the other nostril is so perfectly clear that when you breath in it feels like all the cool air goes straight to your brain.

   This Wednesday has been humping my leg with it's eyes closed.

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit

   if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning

   Don't call each other BAE and act all surprised when that relationship doesn't go anywhere.

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.

   I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.

   Strangers can become best friends just as easy as best friends can become strangers.....

   *interrupts doctor* so, let's say I do wash these pills down with 8 beers.

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   Sorry I woke your baby when I opened my velcro wallet.

   It's okay I'll text myself back.

   Who do you think uses more pig skin, the NFL to make their footballs or Bravo to make their Real Housewives?

   Happy Mother's Day! Mom's are the REAL MVP.

   I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.

   I'm sorry I accurately called you a slut

   I tried to guilt my wife into a BJ by reminding her "Tis the season of giving". I hope she was joking when she said "I gave at the office".

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.