Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.

   I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."