Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Try saying Whale Oil Beef Hooked without sounding like a drunk Irish man.

   Follow your dreams......except those weird ones!

   begining to suspect that my friend's tell me they don't have any single friends for me to meet so that if they in fact become single again they will have dibs.

   I just love hearing somebody lying, when I know the truth..

   Remembers the days when editing a photo involved for scissors and tape...

   My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.

   I wish running scenarios through my mind burned calories.

   Guilty people answer questions with a question.

   You know what sucks, when the people you are staying with have a grandfather clock and it chimes the number of hours. Know what sucks more, it is set to military time.

   Apparently, screaming "It's my money and I need it now!" out the window only goes over well in the commercials.

   This year, I'm thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.

   Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.

   People who pronounce ASAP with the individual letters aren’t pronouncing it as soon as possible

   Oh,, and BTW,,,, Earth day is just another made up holiday to sell more earths

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.

   My life is loosely based on a true story.

   Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.