Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to keep from laughing everytime I see a shake-weight commercial.

   Insanity means never having to say “I'm Guilty”.

   Thank goodness the weather has gotten nice for once. I was getting sick of hearing people complain about the cold. Now I'm ready for people to start complaining about it being too hot. Whine people....whine!!

   They tell us not to put all our eggs in one basket, then Easter comes and they only give us one basket!

   You're lucky to be born so beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

   I installed a stripper pole outside my house. Haven't caught one yet.

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   A Girl that knows she's beautiful never has to tell people about it.

   I am going to tell you a little secret; it doesn't cost a single dime to mind your own business.

   Please don't promise me something I never asked for and then change your mind the moment I fall for it.

   There is really a Miss Facebook beauty pageant. I wonder if the bathroom pictures are scored lower?

   if by Jareds you mean Wal-Mart, then yes I got it at Jareds

   I need constant reassurance, right?

   If I want your opinion I'll......actually forget that....I'll never want your opinion.

   What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum

   Fire hazards are never a good thing. Except maybe in golf. That would be awesome.

   May 21, 2011 6:00pm?? Wait...where in the Bible does it mention clocks?

   How would you even go about putting 99 bottles of beer on the wall in the first place?

   in the worst pain I've ever been in!! Hit a dry spot on a Slip n' Slide.

   People like to talk about other people....it diverts the attention away from them.