Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I speak fluent apology.

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot, Sweet and "That's mine, don't f*cking touch it!"

   My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended."

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.

   99 problems.... but a blessing will come.

   A slut's prayer: As I lay down with this creep, I pray he sticks it in real deep, If he comes before I do, I'll have to do his best friend too.

   This lady in front of me has more coupons than groceries!

   Ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to?!

   Friday: YES, ITS THE WEEKEND! *Blink* Monday: WTF just happened?!

   There's a new Tiger porn with all the hoes he cheated with called "It's all in the hips." It's better than his first release "Tiger's 18 favorite holes."

   Facebook is becoming the grown-up version of the "Do you like me? Yes. No. Circle one" letter we passed around in grade school.

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   Halloween: The only night of the year a girl can dress up like a complete slut and not have her motives questioned.