Funny Status Messages
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to all the dead beat dads that messed up their daughters...thanks! Sincerely every guy that likes strippers 
Some people should really consider giving up AIR for Lent... just sayin'
I'm swearing off energy drinks! The last one left me so buzzed,I ended up out in my yard for hours freaking out about a double rainbow!
Plenty of Fish "Hey, here are 3 pictures of my cleavage and I, but don't message me for sex"
The wierd moment when you scroll through someones timeline history and they get skinnier...
If you want something to be misunderstood, post it on Internet.
Atlantic City Casinos are losing $5,000,000 a day being closed. I guess the "House doesn't always win!
Don't forget to show appreciation to those you're most thankful for this holiday season. You know your pharmacist, bartender and weed guy.
People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.
Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity's sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it's sex. S-E-X.
It's not officially the holiday season until I've ignored a Salvation Army Santa.
If you don't think it gets lonely at the North Pole, take into consideration that Santa named one of his reindeer 'Vixen'.
We never hear anything from Rick Astley these days. It’s almost like he’s given us up, and let us down.
BREAKING NEWS: It snows during winter time.
Ground Control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Check ignition and may God's love be with you.
Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she's going to kill batman or not.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
THOUGHT about getting outta bed, still thinking, still thinking
Every time I see Renee Zellweger on screen I want to hand her an antihistamine. 