Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you sleep with someone, then try to sneak out in the morning, you are an ASS! First you have to delete your number from their phone, THEN sneak out. Come on people, use your heads.

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   It's tough to be such a sex symbol.

   Don't you hate it when people talk sh!t on Facebook? Internet Gangsters

   I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)

   When I pump gas now I do it with my eyes closed cause I'm praying that $35 worth will get me through the week...

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   The snooze button is life's way of saying that waking up sucks.

   THERE'S A TECHNIQUE IN LOVE: We follow the rule "Love one another" and if doesn't work, just swap the last two words, "Love another one"....

   I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   I think the next reality show should be called "Taking out the Kartrashians." People get to beat them all up and stack them by the curb.

   I hope men who treat women like sh!t have figured out how to suck their own tiny c0cks.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some taste.

   Watching the news right now and the news lady is going to a hot dog eating contest. She just said she is going to see how many wieners she can fit in her mouth at once. I spit coffee on my computer.

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.