Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?

   After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock.

   Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?

   If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!

   My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect. Of course, my answer was wrong.

   Pissing me off is like kissing a Rattle Snake... it's just not a good idea.

   I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.

   I am Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad.

   Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.

   I hate that sinking feeling you get after reading or hearing something you wish you hadn't.

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   Ten folded ones in my left pants pocket, four buffalo chicken wings bones in my right pants pocket and empty mini bottles scattered around the house... apparently I had fun last night.

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! --->"

   Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny.

   Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.

   In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.

   Worrying is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

   Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!

   Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.