Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.

   I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.

   sometimes I want to go outside n scream n come back inside like nothing happen

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   It kinda bugs me when people tell me that a book is a "real page turner". I think we all know how books work...

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.

   Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

   sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant staring at a pack of dogs.

   Free Snowmen outside.......some assembly required

   You call it Gray Hair...I call it "Stress Highlights".

   the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.

   this morning I came to my senses.......I didn't like it....very unfamiliar...very strange......I liked it better not having them....not going back there.

   if you follow your heart, you will eventually end up in your chest cavity.

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to stab you."

   wonders...If 7-11 is open 24hrs a Day, 365 Days a year......Why are there locks on the door?

   if I stand on my tip-toes, I can see the weekend from here!

   It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

   congratulates Tiger Woods on the 2009 PGA Playa' of the year award.