Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.