Funny Status Messages
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Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life. 
When we were kids, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on our foreheads.
Never trust someone that has 0 text messages in their phone.
What is it about waking up that babies find so traumatic?
I love gamers. While they are busy playing Call Of Duty, I am busy answering their girlfriend's call of duty.
The most inappropriate time to tell someone they have the "Moves Like Jagger" is during a seizure.
Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing
I thought my Doctor was totally crazy for giving me LSD to treat my constipation, until I saw a Fire-Breathing dragon and sh1t myself!
Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.
Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.
I've dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!
I've masturbated in the shower so much that every time its rains I get a hard-on
Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!
.the world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun...which shines out my ass.
Everyone has an ugly friend. If you don't have an ugly friend then, well... this is awkward.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...
My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.
I'll never forget the awesome feeling in kindergarten when I had the largest box of crayons with the sharpener. 