Funny Status Messages

   Happy and in a good place this morning. Now... If only I could remember how the hell I got here!!!

   My husband snores at night, so he bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for me to shove in my ears

   would like monkey bars alot more if they were less like playground equipment, and more like places monkeys go to drink beer and socialize

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   The Insomnia Train has arrived. I didn't want to board, but I was shoved. Now I'm sitting here, I have no clue where I'll end up and I don't like the company. I sure wish it was The Crazy Train instead.

   already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   The Mona Lisa is one of the most respected pieces of art in the history of the world, and yet, the second you put a replica of it in your living room, it instantly becomes the tackiest piece of sh*t I've ever seen, Mom.

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia makes us winners.

   whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger.

   Everything is so digital these days, my kids can't even read a clock with hands.

   ...today's the day we mother's get some relief from the curse OUR mother's handed down when they told us "one day you'll have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!!" Have a great MOM'S DAY everyone!! =D

   I like to skip my digestive system and just place my Chipotle burrito directly into my toilet.

   can't believe the crazy things people do while driving. Lady in the car next to me is texting while driving! I nearly dropped my beer when I saw that!

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   What do you call a black man flyin a plane???? A pilot you RACI$T !!!!

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   once upon at time a prince asked a princess to marry him. The princess said no and the prince lived happily ever after. The end

   whenever you feel powerless, remember that just one single turd of yours can shut down an entire waterpark

   Math questions are so dumb! They're like "if you have 30 chocolate bars and you eat 29, what do you have left?" OH I don't know how bout diabetes!!