Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   To the austronauts left for space today, can you bring back another planet?

   It's a five minute walk from my home to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering...

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.

   Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.