Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the time we can have a drink in a bar again, Captain Morgan will be an Admiral.

   Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉

   tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country

   You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times

   Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan

   I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?

   "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?

   "Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....

   "If you build it, they will come." -Inventor of the Vibrator

   I know my clothes are on the floor, I'm a guy, That's where I hang them.

   Appropriately, Gaddaffi was killed by a rebel fighter standing in the sunroof of a VW van.

   Ok, who left the bag of idiots open??

   The best things in life make you sweaty.

   Today you should prank call your single guy friends using google voice to change the number and tell them you are calling from the Maury Povich show.

   "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're freeing sad, post it on facebook so I can enjoy your misfortune."

   I like to take a day off every now and then to create the illusion of a real life.

   Just heard Sandusky's on suicide watch. I'm checking ticket prices.