Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Anything you say in a small town can and will be used against you.

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   Facebook is perfect for me. It's the c0cktail party where you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."

   Trying to understand quantum physics, because trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   I'm thinking about opening an online Facebook rehab clinic.

   Katie must be out of her 5 yr lease contract with Tom Cruise finally

   I'm a little confused - Facebook just bought Instagram for 1 billion dollars. Didn't anyone explain that you can download it for free?