Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   Things to shout at Tiger Woods at Augusta: "Nail this hole like a Hooters waitress." Or you can say, "Now that you're not getting any, beat it like it owes you money!"

   There had to have been some kind of break through in the pumpkin sciences this year because everything at the store has pumpkin in it!

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."

   Does anyone else feel more sorry for the dog with the homeless guy than the guy himself?

   Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail... Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn’t be done over text.

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   To the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone.. get a new phone with a better camera please! :)

   If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   My girlfriend accused me of faking it in bed last night, and she was right. I wasn't asleep at all.

   An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.