Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   "Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP

   I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.

   So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

   Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

   The only time I ever heard of panic buying was when the bartender yelled, LAST CALL

   How absorbent is a cabbage leaf? Asking for a friend.

   Flights so low I got Bible study in Jerusalem tomorrow

   Today's drink: The Quarantini. It's a regular martini, but you drink it alone in your house.