Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.

   People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"

   Good afternoon fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is... umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading...

   Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.