Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   My paycheck came in the mail the other day. There was a sprig of parsley inside. Someone had garnished my wages.

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done this year...

   I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

   The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   "Nice mask' Me firting in 2020

   We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

   May your coffee kick in before reality does.