Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

   The Buccaneers perfectly captured the spirit of Tampa Bay by their feature player being a middle aged man who spent his career in the northeast and then moved to Florida to retire.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

   No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.

   " I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."

   My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession! I replied... "wake me up before you go go"

   You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

   I often get a "yes" from women, but it's usually followed by, "that's him officer"

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.