Funny Status Messages

   Getting gas. I noticed the person before me on pump 3 bought $1 worth. Where the hell were they going? To pump 4?

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   When I look at you, I can hear music.

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   I made a millennial cry by asking him to fold a roadmap.

   I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   My executive meeting with the cats in the board room was going so well, until I brought out the laser pointer to highlight my slide presentation

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   So how did Amish.com happen?

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.