Funny Status Messages
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Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working. 
I was awoken with oral seggs this morning. Never falling asleep with my mouth open on the train again.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.
Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,
Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.
The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
Baby it's Covid outside.
The least knobby dot, the least knobby dot, the least knobby dot for annual quantum police thee dot… or whatever that Spanish Christmas song is saying.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.
I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones. 