Funny Status Messages

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   The least knobby dot, the least knobby dot, the least knobby dot for annual quantum police thee dot… or whatever that Spanish Christmas song is saying.

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.

   I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

   Live such that when the mortician prepares you for your funeral, he must struggle to get that grin off your face.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

   Politician: one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

   It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

   Who else has this problem? "I want to start eating my meal, but I can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat"

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   Can we drive the snakes out of Washington for this St. Patrick's Day?

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   I'd just like to congratulate the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table! They're basically everywhere now!

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?