Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   Can't wait til this election travesty is over so we can all get back to disliking each other for reasons other than poor political choices.

   Anything with Hilary or Trump I just scroll without reading all the crap. From an English man looking for a decent status.

   You know what clowns are afraid of? Bullets.

   How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.

   Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.

   Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.

   After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!