Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slay dragons and rescue her from castle towers. Not wash dishes and clean out the basement.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

   A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   I'm shocked Barry Manilow announced he's gay. I thought he was dead.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   I was awoken with oral seggs this morning. Never falling asleep with my mouth open on the train again.

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.