Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that.

   This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   Remember, after the police have been defunded and you have to shoot intruders, call 811 before you dig. It's the law.