Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   I've made some terrible life choices over the years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions.

   Some guy: "Bro, I got a limo for me and my friends! In your face!" Me: "Wow. You have 90 dollars."

   Technology will cause our ultimate demise. After mankind destroys itself, the dawn of a new civilization will consist of its early inhabitants creating music by banging bones on logs and blowing their breath through hollow reeds.

   "The sum of the carrots are inversely proportional to the squared exponent of the cabbage divided by the vinegar and multiplied by the mayonnaise." ~Cole's Law

   It is said that every day is a gift. Can I get a copy of the receipt so I can exchange it for something else?

   If I gotta wait a half hour after eating before getting in the pool, let’s face it, I’m never getting in the pool.

   Protestants. Some man didn't like God's version of Christianity (Catholicism), so they decided to fix what God got wrong.

   I was gonna cook alligator for dinner, but my stove is broken and all I have is a croc pot.

   Better and more accurate than any dating site: Ask her if she's on Will Smith or Chris Rock's side. If she says Will Smith, run away as fast as you can.

   I've had just about enough of the "avocado this", "avocado that" stuff. Somebody please get me a calzone with sausage and pepperoni. 😛

   I had a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and nothing to drink. Long story short: I'm at the ER getting treated for Lockjaw.

   Would the last Baby Boomer to enter heaven please bring a copy of Abbey Road?

   Johnny Depp could have avoided this entire mess if he had simply issued an Amber alert.

   Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

   I know not with what weapons WW3 will be fought, but WW4 will be fought with sticks and stones.

   The price of great success is the greater fear of losing it all in the end.

   Music is the universal language. Humor is the universal salve.

   I realized how non-materialistic I am. To me, a step up the social ladder isn't a new car, house, or clothes... it's the rare occasion when I line the waste paper basket in the bathroom with a Target bag instead of one from Wal-Mart.

   Wisdom: A friend of mine had two small kidney stones. He didn't want surgery so he went to the bathroom and "wisdom" out.

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.