Funny Status Messages

   I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

   If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?

   Telling people "Don't go out and by up all the toilet paper" will cause people to go out and by up all the toilet paper.

   Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

   I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

   This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.

   You ever get a friend request and be like, “Nah, you look like you steal copper”

   100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

   Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.