Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   Maybe I should have just gotten in the van.

   I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

   "did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"

   Alexa, clean up my act!

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

   Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.