Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe

   It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks