Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.